“I’m just a little dark rain cloud . . .” Winnie the Pooh sings. His friend Christopher Robin watches as Pooh hovers near a honey tree, slathered with mud in his attempt tohide his real identity from the bees and steal their honey.
Another little dark rain cloud slunk into our youth group on a cold winter night in 2007. She too was hiding, not to steal sweet treats though. She was hiding her horribly wounded identity. I winced at each numb step she took, her hands stuffed in the pockets of her over-sized jacket, her eyes to the ground, her black stocking hat pulled as far over her ears as she could get it, simply appeasing the friends who insisted that she come. Quite the opposite of Winnie the Pooh’s motives, thirteen-year-old Alex felt no hope of anything sweet ever coming to her again.
You see three days before her 13th birthday Alex’s dad decided to run from his parole and upcoming court date. Her stepdad’s call on her 13th birthday escalated all the drama and emotional pain she felt. Rudely and in the worst possible way he told her goodbye and disappeared. She recalls how, “The bright spot of my birthday was when a bunch of my gothic/punk friends brought me a pile of homemade birthday cards and told me they loved me.”
But worst of all . . . Alex’s mom suffered a heart attack in her sleep and Alex was the one who found her dead the next morning. A custody battle in the courts gave Alex’s Gramma Lila the right to keep Alex, her two sisters, and her little brother together. Alex says, “I thank God my grandmother Lila swooped in like wonder woman and took care of us. I don’t know where I would be without that lady.”
Still Alex’s depression and anxiety continued to spiral but she was determined not to burden anyone with her emotions. Instead, she found ways to self-harm without making it visible. “Soon,” Alex says, “I was fighting in school and letting my anger out on people for the dumbest of reasons. Then right at the end of my freshman year I ended up in a psych ward because I didn’t want to keep going. Through all of that God was planting seeds in my life. Those were the same years I started going to youth group with Bob and Kimily. They fought through those events with me. Kimily cried with me, encouraged me, and only God knows how much both of them prayed for me. Kimily was very persistent and never gave up on me.”
When Alex and I discovered that my birthday is the same day as her mom’s, something shifted. We sort of had history together after that. Alex kept coming to youth group and to my girl’s group. We had lots of long, heart-to-heart talks, before and after. Still, she couldn’t get past the feeling that she wasn’t good enough for God, until the Big Red Bus ministry came. That was the day she first said “yes” to Jesus. She still had a long hard road to walk, but not alone.
Over the years, Alex began to help me. First with younger youth group girls, then later as a leader on my women’s ministry team. Alex and Lindsey, another young woman on that team, kept the woman’s ministry together, until eventually each of them began to work for the church. And who do you think is the youth leader there now? Yes, Alex.
Though Alex’s life still has plenty of challenges, she continues to shine God’s love and hope in my life and the lives of those around her. On her birthday in 2021 she was able to write the story of her past and wrap it up with this encouragement. “God knows all and sees all. If we open our own eyes we can see what He’s doing. Sometimes it may take years to see his plans unfold but he does all things in his time and for our good. When I say God is great, I don’t mean he’s a God of fluffy love and butterflies. I KNOW he is a Good GOD.”
One of Alex’s lifelong favorite verses is John 10:10.
Jesus said, “The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life and have it to the full.”